Well, most of you know how I felt about pacifiers previously to parenthood. Many of you know that I was very adamant about self-regulation not involving a "plug." Most of you also know that my daughter is frequently either sucking on a pacifier, or "bugsy" as she refers to it, or is asking for one. Let me elaborate on what happened here...
It all began with a little infant who couldn't regulate, well couldn't regulate easily that is. Any child that is in physical pain is going to have great difficulty calming themselves down, this was Maggie. Maggie's food allergy was diagnosed at 5 weeks. That entire time, and even for awhile afterward, she was in pain as her body fought against the proteins it couldn't digest. This meant a very sad, often crying, little baby girl. This also meant an often frazzled Mommy and Daddy. Definitely more so Mommy from what I remember. Magnolia would try to frantically suck anything put near her mouth, often times myself. I still remember that visit with Dr. Ally when she looked at me and said, "Melissa. Give her, the paci." Then she returned to us with two Soothie pacifiers, and that's where it all began.
So now here we are today. My daughter very frequently has a pacifier in her mouth. Some people assume that parents just offer a pacifier up to their child all the time. Magnolia will start out the day without her bugsy, and then something may happen. She may trip, she may drop something, she may get mad when she wants something or does something that is not okay. What happens next is that she INSTANTLY cries for her bugsy. I often ask her if she might be able to use her blanket, Peppa, Doudou, a cuddle, some love-love. She says "sure, I'll take all those things, WITH my bugsy." Obviously she doesn't say that exactly, but her actions and the words she does say make this quite obvious.
So where does this leave me now. Well, with a child who DEMANDS her bugsy frequently, throws them all over the house as she gets interested in something new, and who freaks out if we go somewhere and she realizes we don't have one.
So what do I want: I want Magnolia to be able to self-regulate without her pacifier now!!! I want to go somewhere and not be terrified that we don't have one. I want to do this all in a very respectful way to my daughter (I'm the one who gave her the pacifier in the first place remember).
So for all you "coaching minded professionals," "What have I tried?" Well, I've tried only letting her have it when she sleeps, or if she REALLY, REALLY needs it, letting her have it in her chair in her room, with another comfort item (I'm trying to re-direct to something else here), and at times I've just told her it isn't there right now, like if we take Boston for a walk, or run an errand. This generally results in a very dis-regulated child, for very long periods of time, and sends me back into tragic memories of her infancy with her screaming and me being unable to calm her.
So all of you out there, I'm asking for some input. I know Dr. Ally will have some input tomorrow at her 18 month appointment, but I know too many experts out there to not ask for help. I am way too emotionally attached to this issue to think rationally about anything, like I am occasionally able to do with other people's children!
And who said mother's who are child development specialists know it all?
Oh, just one more special note. She does just fine all day at school without her bugsy!
This is only the case at school though.
7 comments:
Here is my anti-coaching answer-
So is it really about self regulation if she doesn't need it at school or is she so smart that she has learned that if she uses negative reinforcement (she stops crying when "bugsy" is given to her)she can always get you to give it to her. I always tell parents consistency is the key. How long did you try the chair strategy???? So here is my theory....she can self regulate without the bugsy because she does it all day at school but at home if she cries or asks for it long enough she gets it. It's not her fault or your fault. I admit I also give into the "bugsy" request. If you truly want to wean off the bugsy, pick a method that you can follow through with consistently. That may mean that she may cry and get upset (and it may get worse before it gets better) but I promise you that her social emotional competence and health will not be compromised.
You would suggest that. So after we choose our approach and "stick with it," then are you going to be available to babysit, and "stick with it" as well, so I can get a freakin' break from my little smarty pants child who has reinforced her parent's behavior so effectively?
Relax!!!! I don't know ANY adults who have pacifier's in their mouths. I remember being worried about this with both of my boys.. they loved their bugsy's so much that I even have them in the hope chest.. because they were keepsakes.. Just eliminate it slowly, I have Issac not bring his in anywhere that we go (stores, rafiki, visiting people, preschool. we talk about how it will be in the cupholder when we get back into the car.) then we skip it during alot of the day now.. except naps.ect. He had it alot more when he was Maggie's age. Don't worry about what people think, about it, We had alot of relatives and friends who always made a big deal about it even taking it out of their mouths in front of me and saying to my kids "Oh you don't need that." That made me so mad! Who cares what everyone thinks! Just worry about what Maggie thinks... She will get over it.. I promise you.. she has had enough stress in her short little life already! (And she looks soo cute when she puts her cute hand up to her mouth and says with her little deep voice "Bugsy". You will never forget it and will remember all these sweet little things forever.. that's why she calls it Bugsy just like her Dad did and I cherish those darling memories! You asked for some ideas.. so these are Grandma Crist ideas.
Those are great ideas Grandma Crist, and the "Bugsy?!" is sooo cute!
I'm not sure if this will be something that Maggie will completely see through or not, or if you are willing to wait until Sara has the baby or not, but this is what has worked for my cousin. Her daughter was quite fond of the binky as well. When her aunt was pregnant they talked a lot to her about how the soon to come baby would need the binkies. It was hard but when her aunt had her little cousin they did a little (or big) hand off to the new little cousin. She put them in a very nice gift bag that she helped pick out and after much discussion gave them to her new baby cousin. They did a lot of talking about how the binkies were very helpful to her when she was younger and how the baby would also need that help. It worked for her, but who knows what will work for another child. Just a story for you though!
My sister let her children keep the pacifier until they were closer to three (only when they needed it, my niece it was in the car, my nephew was at bedtime and when he got hurt)then they had a goodbye party for their pacifier it seemed to make the transition easier for them.
Two thoughts I will leave you with. Why do you need to do it now? Is it because you feel strongly about an 18 month old having a pacifier or trying to cope with stress in your life by controlling something else :)
Secondly don't forget that she will have a big transition coming up soon so I would recommend either doing real soon or wait for awhile after her cousin is born!!
Thanks everyone for the great comments.
Jessica-we are really only hoping that we can reduce the amount of bugsy time now to, well, not all day. She seems to need it all the time, and we are always asking her to take it out so we can understand her. We have also forgotten it on outings occasionally, which has made things very unpleasant! So it would be for these situations that I would like her to be able to not have it all the time. I know she's not ready to part with bugsy completely yet. I'd like to get where it seems your sister was with her children---only when she REALLY needs it.
Lora-I'm wondering if Maggie may pass on a lot of stuff to her new baby cousin? Her pacifiers may be one of those things she wants to part with, when the time comes. Her pediatrician did tell us today, to try to really reduce the amount of bugsy time by this summer, which is when the baby will come.
Thanks again, everyone! I'll keep you all updated on our progress, or lack of progress concerning her bugsy!
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